ruthshere

I've been looking back. at the past week... then the past two weeks.

I have been really angry since tuesday before thanksgiving.

I had a couple of good days in there but otherwise I am on a crash-course w/ myself.

I don't know why I am so angry.

I am calm today. I took the day off of work.

work is not making me angry, but I needed to relax.

I was ready to die yesterday.

Suicide is the need for an end of something.

the only thing I want to end is this anger.

I am insecure. I am afraid to lose everything. I have a job, not a wonderful job, but a job that has allowed me to live on my own. this might seem strange to some. living on your own is the end all be all of their regular adult life.

I am different because I was raised different, or I am different because I am. I don't want to live with my parents until they die. then what will I do? so I FINALLY have this adult life that most people have. but I am terrified that I will lose it all. and last time I said that to my best friend he laughed at me. he said "grow up".

thanks.

this is not a life I like. you have to get something to have something. it isnt handed to you. you have to work at a job in order to make money so you can live. you cant just be alive. its not enough for most people.

career homeless. why are career homeless frowned on? why is it neccessary to want to be like everyone else?

I am not a career homeless person I would hate it. the idea that I would carry my belongings withe me everywhere. I need a "home" a base to set myself straight. a reset point


and with that thought... I need to reset myself.

this is why I am angry. I haven't been reset.

how can I reset myself? what is that thing that will reset me? where is my reset button?

I feel better but I still have work to do. I have to stop thinking ahead.

now it is all coming together. the reason I lived the way I did.

I only lived one day and everyday is a day.

if /when I start thinking ahead to another day, month, year its as if I am already there. I have fast-forwarded myself to that time. it throws me off balance. I need to be more zen again. today is wednesday and I will live in wednesday until thursday. december 9 today... dec 10 tomorrow.

yes this might work. I wonder if my brother has this problem.

"I will do _____ today because something may be different tomorrow, but not the day after."

it's my birthday. I expect the world to open up and come worship at my feet. no. I wish the world away. go away. leave me be. dont even look at me. don't say hi. it's just another ordinary day. don't remind me I'm still here. my life is a waste. the only consolation is there are people who are more of a waste than I am.

I am capable of giving love and helping out. others are a waste cause they cant even do that much.

I am not sure why I get so anxious. every holiday. every birthday. ordinary days are good.

is it the add/autistic thing. I dont consider myself mentally ill anymore. I see where diet and sleep habits have a lot to do with my mixed up days. more sleep needed. better sleep needed. better nutrition.

I am freaked out. but I remember as young as 3 hating people sing me happy birthday. I appreciate it, but it makes me feel bad and cry.

do I feel unworthy? is this it? I dont know.

I think too much. best thing I could do is burn out some brain cells. I dont use drugs except caffine sugar and the occasional headache pill. but none of these make your brain shut up and stop thinking. is there an exercise for thought-stopping? (a google moment)

so it's already bed time and I am upset cause I am not ready to give up my evening. I should take my birthday off every year. if it will keep me from feeling this way - I should go on vacation for the day.

the day before my birthday is an acceptable day for celebration - my dearest friend took me out and it was perfect.

well I remember a book I lent to my mom about an autistic kid with aspergers. as my mother was reading it she hunted me down,

"did you read this?" my impression of her emotions was  concern.

I said nah I thought Id give you first crack at it. Her shock and concern was how the person profiled in the book fit her profile. She has ADD and she also has a mild form of aspergers. I have a feeling half of us do.  Dan and Beckie were somehow spared. but my brother David and I arent so lucky. I only have something wrong with me. I am unable to access data in my head. I am very smart but without the right amount of sleep I'm only as smart as a junebug.

I feel silly for writing about this again and again. I wonder if one of the psychotropic drugs would work for me. I dont want to take drugs but if they make me a better person then I would be willing to do so.

but I wonder why there are so many people with this condition.


as for me..
I have a little studio apartment that suits me fine, bills to pay, and a job.
      all of these things terrify me to no end.

and then I am happy sometimes.

my obsession is over. I am free of my additions to a person. I wish my ex husband would free me now.

he wants to have me on the phone for those non conversation phone things. the line is open and there is no talking.
that is fine if you're in love and you feel connected to a person. but I don't want to anymore. please hang up and let me go.

get a new friend. if I died instead of divorcing, I'd be earthbound. I need to be let go.

I am adding this entry to my journal. I havent journalled in a while.

I moved out of my parents home. I felt it is neccessary to be on my own for a while. besides it has helped to lift my depression quite a bit.

I am not crushing on my friend as much. just as I had been saying it's only when my hormones are wild. work is a little mroe stressful than ever but I am dealing with it ok. I have ahd some meltdowns. I take mistakes personally. there are some aspects of my job which I do not care for but it is what it is. 

Im getting tired of saying "it is what it is" that has to go!

I'm fairly certain that although I am the wiz on the computer at work and people ask me for help, that isnt enough to advance my career. or get a better job. 

losing more weight (more than another 20!) and reading more computer books or taking classes would be beneficial. 

I"m very intellegent but I cant show it when I've been under so much stress in my personal life. 

I am setting up my new place just the way I want it. not with giant furnature and annoying housemates. I hope my life contineus on this path for another year or so.somethign tells me not to count on it. 

I am continually facinated with retail design. not sure why. 

Desiree said something that I beleive is true of myself though she was talking about herself. 

by surrounding herself with clutter she is buffering from the world. 

I am tired of clutter but I am finding a use for some of the junk around my parents house once in a while.

Next sunday I should try to shampoo thier carpet. it is covered in food, pee and god knows what.

mom should never have bought that particular carpet. 

dad is falling apart a little bit. needs help with walking I suppose. I dont know how people become frail. I would like to avoid that condition in my self when my time comes. so if I need to lift weights or eat a certain way... I'd do it.

I am still 40 though 41 is sneaking up. it doesnt know I am watching. 

I've been eating a lot of junk recently. ice cream french fries, sandwiches, cookies, cakes, snack foods. I have to stop. I will stop.

tomorow I am having salad for lunch and try to get past the carb cravings. I forgot to mention pizza.

craving carbs is the worst. I need to burn off my excess fat and the only way is to stop with carbs especially bread where I have a sensitivity.

AND walking. I am in a safe area and can walk for hours if need be. not that I have the time.

Hello. it's me and my midlife reinvention. (and some run-on sentances)

divorce court at 9am tomorow.  seems like only yesterday I just met him and got pissed cause me makes a mess, chooses gigantic furnature, snores,  and I have to clean it.

I had a date with a nice guy on sunday. now if we could get past our awkward conversational pauses... and fill them with awkward physical actions. (insert awful comedy show "WOOO" here)

still have a crush on my friend but I've decided it isn't on my friend as much as it is on the version of him I'd created. 
I'm seeing the reality. I am not looking at him through my heart anymore. I see him with my eyes and mind.

the "lost puppy" has decided to follow herself around instead. 

I have been distant with him. I'm growing up a bit. I still like to "play". but  I am looking for others to "play" with.

I feel like I am abandoning him. our relationship is changing. I am not going anywhere. I will be more like his other platonic female friends.  it's not his fault. Our relationship isn't working for me anymore. I see him differently now.
 
Chiller Theatre Weekend! Was great. I learned that drinking is, indeed, social lubrication.  I was feeling a little closed off but I had some malt beverage and that seemed to loosen me back to my former self.

I used to have a natural "drunkenness" not sure where that aspect of my personality went.
I intend to take full advantage of alcohol when I need to in the future.

hopefully I wont screw stuff up though. like being completely drunk somewhere and getting into trouble. because I hate the lack of self control. 

Strangers have no preconcieved notions of who you are. 
they only know what they are looking at or listening to.

Strangers wont tell on you to your other friends.

so the answer is Strangers. at least for me.

like i ws here and I am there again.

I have been reading (skimming) through my blog here.

I was too vague in some of my posts for even I to understand.

here... http://ruthshere.livejournal.com/52876.html

on this day.. these things sound familiar.\

Also aparently I did something during halloween weekend that um... led to nothing but was about my friend. and was followed by my embarassment over whatever it was.

I wasnt ableto honest with myself and write in detail adnauseum all the crap Id been through or I did.

I see in the past  I had a whole bunch of "what's wrong with mees" I"m no longer THAT person.  (thank goodness for that!)

oh now there it is... http://ruthshere.livejournal.com/53180.html "I have urges to screw my best friend" I will freely admit my feelings here. to hell with it.

and again with the crush? what is up with that? http://ruthshere.livejournal.com/53551.html

talking about growing up in this one...  http://ruthshere.livejournal.com/53938.html

shit! I wrote my friend an email. and posted some of it (edited for public) in here http://ruthshere.livejournal.com/55008.html

I doubt I have a copy on my hard drive with the extra stuff. I wonder what I wrote. BUT what I realize is if he read this email then he knows me. I was honest with him about how I felt in California. (not about my feelings for him but about ME in general)

a really happy time for me http://ruthshere.livejournal.com/67689.html

growing up http://ruthshere.livejournal.com/70990.html

growing up and obsession. words I wish I read to myself in Septmeber last year http://ruthshere.livejournal.com/71337.html

2007 is somewhat fresh in my mind as is 2008 since the whole ... well anyway.

I'm simply glad that I am in a much better place than I was.

this obsession I have or crush is what it is. 

repression was a bad idea it caused that huge blow up. that is all over. things are what they are.

non.

or at least not in a long time.

I find myself shying away from the mens department although their shirts fit better. I litterally feel bad shoppig in mens. I shouldn't.

I need more clothes. I have 3 work shirts. one needs repair. I have an old shirt I used to wear out with my then boyfriend, now exhubby to be. I can fit in that shirt again.

I feel great these days. Of course I have rough days. I lean this way and that... towards thoughts I'd rather not choose to waste my time on.

I reccomend some books to thumb through if you get a chance at your local library.

Louise Hay, "you can heal your life"

and, Love as a waya of life. these are two Id been reading.

there is athird book I had been reading in tandem. Book of Sara, the teachings of Abraham.

I hate bible references but these are books that you can use to look outside and inward to find happiness.

my happiness journey began with getting back on my lifes path. I had wandered and distracted myself away from where I should be.

I am back to where I need to be. with work and independance. except I have drawn back to my parents house. and the exuses there are to help out around here. the yard is a jungle. the house a disaster. but mostly I would like to start fresh. eliminate all the belongiongs that are holding me back. or that might be a lie as well.

I'm not clear with myself. However, as long as I stay positive and helpful I will be ok.

that is who I lost in my marriage. myself. I am kind and I might not show how I care often enough but I am trying. I brought a friend soup when he was ill. I hold doors open for people. I try not to go out of my way to be helpful. that would be silly.

yep, self doubt is still my friend. I smack it once in a while and tell it to go elsewhere.

I am working on controlling my thoughts, keeping them from my obsessions.

I can almost feel my fasination for death slipping away. I always loved monster movies. I don't know what I would be like without them.  I dont have to like something just to impress people. I can like whatever I want. if I prefer flowers over gore then so be it.

back to girly. I want to buy heels and dresses. I dont know where Ruth's been, but she wants to be a woman for a change. not that I havent been. lets face it it takes more than make up, a monthyl period and boobs to make a woman. I have a finesse. a catlike quality that I always wanted. I have to work on it more. get svelt. I may never be wafer thin but I'd like to be a buxom size 16.

I'm on my way. I hope I dont get sidetracked. change that to I refuse to get sidetracked. I love running and I think about training for a marathon. I know I can do it. I love to run. there is a special feeling when I run. I guess it what we feel birds must be like when they fly. free.

I'm not dead yet. I am 40. life beings a new at forty.

still dealing with my BS.
my emotional pain makes me feel alive.  (that is really sad)

using a book by Louise Hay to try and fix myself up somewhat. work through some issues I'd like resolved.

today  is my last anniversary as a married person.
hubby is in india.

I will be dealing with him at the end of the following week.

my calendar...
april fools day wednesday
Suzanne Northrop on saturday
Dad's 79th birthday on sunday

passover on thursday
husbands return on friday
tax day  tuesday
chiller theatre friday, saturday, sunday.

THAT IS ONE BUSY MONTH!!

I think the hormones and the rain are messing with me today

I get Sunday blues, and here is Sunday again.

I shoud go see a movie.

I said some long time coming stuff to a friend though I knew what the reaction would be.
consequences: my embarrassment,  my friends forgivness. 

it's been two weeks since i embarrassed myself.
 
I need to forgive myself of that.

It's been 20 years... I need to let that go.

I am trying very hard. I have a visualization of things in front of me and I am pushing them behind me. then clearing a path in front of me. to move forward.

it's not avoidance. it's making gestures to get on with it.

visualization makes great things happen.

I see myself moving beyond this. beyond all the stupid things I did in my life.

becoming a great person. of course when I feel low I cant move from that spot. I am not feeling low at the moment.

next time I feel low, I need to go for a walk. get some  exercise and maybe some cake. (I am thinking about some chocolate ice cream right now - PMS week. ugh)
 

I am going through something. I got to see my friend but i didnt talk much. I get like this sometimes. the things going on in my head arent for sharing with him. mostly cause I can barely understand any of it myself. 

Sometimes I feel like a space alien.
I've been dropped outta the sky and I dont know what to make of my new world.  
am I supposed to enjoy music? can I laugh at this joke?  am I allowed to think differently?

almost like I am from the wrong century. I was supposed to be here around 300 years ago but I missed the bus.

or something.

this has been one of those alien weekends.  going out didnt help things.

also I am starting to feed my emotions with food again. I dont want to be fat. I already am. I wish I could hit the pause button. have everything be on hold until I feel better. but there is no stopping it now. it's a rolling ball and it's heading down hill at a great rate of speed.

growing up isn't much fun. or is it?

after bringing up my unresolved feelings for my dearest friend I am still there. the sad teen, 20 something, and distracted 30 something I had always been.

I moved on for a while. I was married (well still am until april anyway), I dated before I was married. I was mostly out for fun and had some. 

Now I am standing in a new light, but i am facing backwards. I'm looking back. having a hard time turning around. 

I am using the movie PeterPan, the most recent version, as cinematherapy.  mostly it depresses me greatly. I am looking for that movie that will free me from this torment. 

I had a revelation today, I had suppressesd my feelings because I did not honor them. I heard he wasnt interested so may years ago, and because he wasnt interested my feelings were invalid. "I must not feel this way because he doesnt."

why did I think like that? that was the opposet of protecting myself. it suppressed my artistic talent as well. sure I've been doing art but it was also suppressed.

I'm not sure what I am saying so I will end this here.

"Why did I stop growing? "

what fucker pissed so badly on my picnic I stopped growing as a person?

it may have been me.

I will add more later.

I never added more later.

while all my friends were going to college I was left behind in my zen life. everyday is a day. I wasn't learning anything. I wasn't growing and I had no desire for it. I think this is where I failed myself. I needed a push and I wasn't getting it. 

I lost 14 lbs. I feel good. I need exercise.

I had a talk with my best friend last night. it wasnt the talk you're thinking of. this one was about life. I expressed my distaste for some feelings about my life and my surroundings. or maybe life in general.

I feel like i have more to lose than I used to and I don't like it. He said that was part of growing up.

I dont care for changes I cant control. but I accept them. it takes me a while.  I changed overnight.

my feelings for him havent changed but I dont feel the urgency to be with him that I've been suffering through these past few days. (this could also be homornal as my period just ended)

our talk made me realise his value.
I hadn't been open with him and this was because of my rotten marriage. as a safety precaution I stopped communicating all together.

I don't have to be that way with my friend. we've been together for years. he wouldn't turn my words around on me. like my husband would.

anyway. I dont have too much more to say on anything.

I will add:
I need to take care of myself
share myself more with people around me
allow myself to be the unique person I've always been creatively. (who knows might come of my talent and skills)
be kind to myself
go back to school and learn programming - it's what i wanted.

I lost 14 lbs. I feel good. I need exercise.

I had a talk with my best friend last night. it wasnt the talk you're thinking of. this one was about life. I expressed my distaste for some feelings about my life and my surroundings. or maybe life in general.

I feel like i have more to lose than I used to and I don't like it. He said that was part of growing up.

I dont care for changes I cant control. but I accept them. it takes me a while.  I changed overnight.

my feelings for him havent changed but I dont feel the urgency to be with him that I've been suffering through these past few days. (this could also be homornal as my period just ended)

our talk made me realise his value.
I hadn't been open with him and this was because of my rotten marriage. as a safety precaution I stopped communicating all together.

I don't have to be that way with my friend. we've been together for years. he wouldn't turn my words around on me. like my husband would.

anyway. I dont have too much more to say on anything.

I will add:
I need to take care of myself
share myself more with people around me
allow myself to be the unique person I've always been creatively. (who knows might come of my talent and skills)
be kind to myself
go back to school and learn programming - it's what i wanted.

I am Friends with an old friend. I had offended her in the past and I'm sorry about it.

we're getting back together.

she's helping me through my crush.

I will probably make a move after my aunt flo has stopped visiting. 

He clearly cares for me, but may be afriad.

I dont blame him. I'm scared too, but I am more scared to feel this way than to do something about it.

Hi there,
I will be going off line for a bit. maybe taking a breather to get my stuff straightened out.

I moved back to my parents home. not really where I want to be  but it's ok for now.

not sure where I'm going next.
 
I am avoiding TV and exsessive internet use. I have dial-up and it's super slow.

so I should be updating a bit less.

see ya.

recently, it's been F*** it!

I want to make only one more trip to deliver my stuff.

I have some dishes to pack.
I already packed up my dishnet stuff for shipping though it cant be shipped until tomorow. boo! sunday effect - oh well.

I havent eaten yet today I need to finish packing the food and some final cleaning must take place.

better get crackin.

I dont have tv reception so I will play music. whistle while you work.

better get on it.